INFINITE THOUGHTS

its been such a long time since i wrote...

it feels a bit suffocating..and whenever it feels difficult to breathe..

i end up right here in front of this blank page..

its quite amazing how we all have our own ways of running away from reality or rejuvenating ourselves..

i guess this is my "third level"...

recently there are so many thoughts on my mind..a really uncertain future lies ahead..but whats even more uncertain than that would be my new behaviors..

it seems that i am in a constant fight with myself to find who i really am and what is this sudden change around me which i really cant get used to...

it seems like i have reverse roles or i am being possessed...that much is the difference that i see within myself and each night i keep crying to see my old self again...coming into terms with this new person indeed is not my piece of cake..now you might be wondering..am i even talking about myself ??..or is there really someone who is sharing bodies with me...

even i wonder about it sometimes..

I seem to be someone who keeps running of to her imaginary world afraid to face the new world she has..

in this new world i seem to be in the bottom of the infinite hole and climbing up that staircase seems like a task which would take ages...

but the funny thing is that i don't even try to climb...

i don't know why i get so intimidated by my new classmates whom I've been with for  a year..why do i feel so inferior to them ??

is it because they were educated abroad ??..or because they have better ranks ??...i cant seem to find my answer 

i never thought of myself as inferior to someone before although people did instill such stupid thoughts..i was happy being my own self in my own little world..but the past one year i have tortured myself so much that i lost myself in it ...

i restricted my fav hobby writing...i forced myself into writing mechanical answers than my literaturised ones...only to get a few feeble marks..i began too see points in stories rather than the essence in them and thus i turned into a mechanical robot who did things at specified times..that was basically my life for the past one year..

but now that i got back home i seem to tempted towards this infinite amount of freedom i have and seem to be going farther away from what i have planned..

i wish that i could make peace with my new self and maybe together we could stat a new beginning and a new self..

maybe someone who even the past me can look up-to...

whatever happened so many years ago..it feels like centuries passed and I'm reborn again..

but it seems like the bookworm turned into a hipster..

rather than forcing myself into becoming the old book worm i have decided to embrace this new character of mine and decide to win as the now me...

if only both my heart and brain would also agree to this celestial change 

then maybe finally i might change this world for good...

for some one who had a 1000 dreams and left them all unfulfilled i hope that this new hipster me would fulfill a 10000 of them in her place...

and thus begins a new journey ahead and an end to my words for today...

islanders..you guys probably must be surprised at this sudden change in the tone of my writing when i was cursing a few days ago..i have decided to let all that go..after all..it doesnt matter in the end ...

so you guys too should venture out for a new beginning ahead

ISLANDERS !!! VOTE

I was kinda wondering....whether to tell you guys the bitter ugly story..or weave out a fantasy out of it for fun..??..

Which would you guys prefer ??

Although the purpose is forget...

I started thinking on why I should depress myself into writing that ugly story...

So I thought why not just write something satisfying instead ...

What do you guys think ??

I know this is like read by one person one week...but still..

Even if it's that one person..let me know if you want to hear the ugly reality or would prefer my sugarcoated fantasy ...??

Whatever it is...even if you aren't going to read ahead and accidentally ended up on this blog...give me an opinion on this one...

and for those who expected a story...I'll post a quote or poem or whatever you call which I made over here 

Addicted to luck Ep - 1

to my fellow residents o the island...hello once again..

although i know the last thing i should be doing right now is writing when there is a whole load of online classes to watch and 2 tests waiting at my own doorstep tomorrow..

regardless , I am writing because i feel sleepy watching those classes..

so shall we continue on what happened after that ??

after 2 months of my stupid brains analysis i finally came to this conclusion that swan neck is my lucky charm...but not only that.

i have to credit to this guy..coz if he never came maybe i wouldn't even ever be writing this..or i wouldn't be writing at all..

it so happened that my first book featured swan neck as one of the characters..

its not that i wrote about him..but what i wrote about my character became him...

I started writing this on the time of the year when i hated his presence..but then as i read the story..i felt like who I'm writing about seemed to be swan neck itself..

they had the same features and same hobbies and since then swan necks name changed 

he was upgraded into Mr.Andrew...wow...i almost forgot that name ..

its been over 4 years since i named that...

so..i had to tell this to someone ....without sounding like a crazy maniac..i would approach my bff everyday but then id change the topic wondering how am i going introduce something so stupid to her...it seemed impossible 

but then i did tell her once...she first thought it was a crush but then i told her its not like that..

eventually over the years she could understand the nonsense i was talking about...

so...did i ever talk to my lucky charm ??...no definitely not 

its been about 4 years and i haven't ever said a single word to him 

but then what is this lucky charm nonsense that I've been blabbering about ??

well...

if i ever understood this i wouldn't be writing this in the first place...

somehow over the years i keep getting tangled up with this person...

or was it myself voluntarily and unknowingly getting tangled up is yet unclear to me 

this is why i keep hesitating to write this ...because i don't know what to write on it ..or how i should write on it ..why am i telling this to total strangers in an internet world..

why am i doing all of this ..??

i don't have answers to any of these questions 

but all that i know is..i could get this lucky charm stuff out of my system once I've written it out 

and I'm putting an effort to spit all of it out so that my brain doesn't trick me anymore with this kind of nonsense..

right now i need all the luck that i need for a lifetime to get to my dream...at such a significant point of life..i keep wavering thinking would the absence of my so called lucky charm effect the most important moment of my life ?..or is it all my brain trying to fool me..

although i know that the latter is true i keep making the mistake of turning towards the former choice..

and I'm writing this so that you guys , my fellow islanders never do this kind of mistake of tricking your mind or even letting it trick you like i did ..

although the words that i wrote today makes no sense whatsoever even for me the one who wrote it..I'm just happy that i could start somewhere of to kicking this swan neck out of my system for good...

i suppose my writing is even worse than a history textbook so id prescribe it to those who are insomniacs coz I'm pretty sure you'd sleep well before finishing reading this ...

even I'm getting sleepy writing this ..

my fellow islanders that's it for the torture you guys had today...

ill try to come up with a way to explain what I'm trying to explain..

till then , until we meet again ,

I hope wherever you are in this world you get a good nights sleep and that you have happy 

days ahead !! 

I've always found this picture beautiful...it shows us that the path ahead is going to be beautiful and filled with happiness..

i hope the path ahead of our lives are also as beautiful as this is 

Addicted to Luck Ep - 0

For those who found the island...

You guys must be thinking what's with the title of the stuff that I'm writing here..I've heard of addicted to drinks , drugs , women , games...but luck ??

Of all the things in the world to get addicted to ....

I remember my first ever encounter with the LUCK of my life...you guys read it right...I never wrote love of my life...it was never love to begin with ...

It was probably a weekday on the precious vacation month of April 2015 , about 6 months after Mangalyaan took off...summer vacation happened...

And I decided to change my summer by doing something which I hated to the bottom of my heart...sports...i wasn't sporty to begin with and I always came last in whatever sport stuff it was which just increased my hatred to sports even more..I was merely going because all my friends were going and because I thought I should loose some weight...I wasn't fat ..but neither was I slim..chubby would be right..

Anyways enough of that 

After joining basketball coaching I relaised that I was the worst player the whole world could ever see...

At first I was like it's okay ...I'll get better...

And later...I was like..I'm tired of getting embarassed...

Now..what does all this nonsense have to do with the story ?? 

One fine day ..( definitely not fine ) they asked us all to throw some balls...everyone went close totge  ring and threw their balls into the basket...

I wished with all the might in the world for mine to fall into that damned basket...

As my turned reached...it felt like I was in the stage on Indian idol's elimination round ...

I threw the ball...

Its obvious what I'm going to write next . .

The ball never got in...

But then a particular nasty person pointed out what exactly went wrong with me ...

Honestly that's the first time I really saw that guy over there ...

Ooo guy...boring...

Just not yet...listen to it ...have patience...I finally decided to say this...someone should hear it ! 

And since then to this day this certain person has never left my eye...

So...

As my days with this summer coaching passed on ....the presence of this certain person in my life leveled up way faster than I do in games...

Ofcourse as in All the stories he had to be one of the most famous boys and Mr.perfect and stuff...

But the point is...I never noticed until that day...

I just never cared 

And what I only wished for is to not get tangled up with such too famous people and live this silent life of mine...

If only it went like that ...

Over the 2 months I found something very weird ...

Very very weird 

..

We need a name..

I used to call him swan neck ...

Does he gave a long neck ?? 

No! Ofcourse not ! ...

That's what he pointed wrong...

My swan neck wasn't right ...

( Swan neck - the position your hands are in while you throw the ball...some kind of term used in baketball...) 

And that's how swan neck came into my not so intresting life...

Ugly name right...don't worry there's a load of more names for this person...

So...

I found him to be extremely extremely very very Lucky for me...

If I saw him on mornings..I could survive the disaster called basketball ...

If I got in the same team as his...I could put the baskets...

And my poor little brain tricked myself into believing that swan neck is very lucky for me ...

And from then on...he was my luckycharm 

You can keep dozens of stuff for a luckycharm ..it could be a keychain , a coin , a slipper ..etc etc ...but if all the things why did my luckycharm have to be a human...of all the things that the world could choose...

And what confirmed the 12 year old Lakshmi's suspicions was when swan neck left for some basketball tournament...that one week of coaching was THE WORST !!..

The ball would fly to my face , my team would loose because of me ...one day my sister tagged along with me ...she was so good in this that the coach personally asked her to join...

And from then onwards I was the joker ...and she one of the best players...over the years she got selected for the team and went on tournaments...while I ended up...well... we're getting to how I ended up right ??..

And once I even broke my leg...

It was painful as well as grateful...painful cause a broken leg wasn't much fun ...and grateful because I could get out of that court...

And finally when he came back...oh god...I still remember that day...I would've been the most panglossian soul on the whole of earth ! 

And from then on begins my lists of mistakes and stupidness that I ended up doing all because of my luckycharm ...

And this was the beginning to an addiction which I could never get hold off...

To those who ended up on this island...what are your thoughts..

Am I really mad??..isn't this weird ?? 

I'd like to know how you think...and maybe when you reach the end of this story...I'd like to ask you people for advice ...for I really want to kick this out with all the might I have...and for those should who've stumbled up on this island...consider it as a task to find the hidden treasure in this island ! 😉

This is that pose ...Swan Neck !! 

( Or maybe this guy got it wrong like me too 😂😂) 

Addicted to Luck - Intro

Okay...so this is not a story...neither is it a poem ...which means it's something which I don't usually do..but..I've been wondering...I have this story which I keep wanting to tell..but everytime I come forward to put it on pen and paper my mind reconsiders ....is it even good enough...?? ..

And what change does it make ??..

It definitely isn't something which is for the society to ponder on or it isn't something morally created...not is it an action filmed movie or romance either...now..if you could label is comedic..if the whole story wasn't so weird to begin with...

Now..why am I talking so much about it instead of writing that story ??..is probably what you guys are thinking right now..but you see..even though I'm typing all of this I'm still reconsidering my steps as to should I or should I not..

And whether what I'm thinking of achieveming by writing this will be achieved or not ....

I'm not hoping for an award..but..it's like this 

I write whenever I have something to put off my chest or there's something which just has to be written so that I don't forget it ...

And I need to get rid of someone from my life...someone who has occupied so much screen space in the movie of my life that it's time I kicked it out..and the best way to settle with these feelings is to write it out...although I can't guarantee how long will I do this...I'm pretty sure this will last only a page or two...and its not like I'm going to share this or wish for any views ....

Then I'd probably be admitted to the nearest mental hospital...

I talk a lot don't I...???...

I'm so sorry for that...

So tune up to next post to find what really is what I want to talk about if you accidentally slipped into this blog which lies in the middle of nowhere of the vast sea called internet with very few travellers like Google who knows the way...this little island of mine is yet to be found...so if you stumbled upon here..

Congratulations !!! 

You've officially found an island in your lifetime for the first time !! 

know that you've found the island...explore a bit of it !! 😁😁

Han - The River Of Dreams......

Salt Water Taffy....( ep. 1 - part 1)

Replaying over those memories she stood there with tears gushing over her face ... Her hand never wiped them away..she took a last look at her cell and decided that it was enough...she took all her courage possible ..mustered up all the bravery she had and stood there...the still cold water was reflecting over her frightened eyes...the noise of all the cars passing and the beautiful lights surrounding the river ...it would have been a nice day if not for this decision..but that moment she felt to loose it all and to fall for it..slowly yet slowly she climbed up..without looking down gradually her legs lost grip and slipped away...

Out of all the moments...

As soon as those legs left land..she felt ... She felt the need to survive..as soon as she thought of ending it , she wanted to stop it too...it was too late..she was falling towards the dark cold waters of the Han river...her last memory of all her loved ones appeared over and over in her face..and her tears joined with the still black waters....

" Uhhajdiidnxndbsksks....uh uh .." 

Someone coughed up over the bank...

She felt something pushing over her stomach and water was coughed up again..

She sat up and tried to breathe in..she was half wet still in the same dress...everything flooded over to her at once..she looked around to see who saved her..

She saw someone..wearing a white shirt..with more of a beach style dressing...

She tried standing up to find out her leg was sprained..in utter pain she called out..

" Ahhh " 

" If you were so scared , why did you even try to jump over ??..your a scardy cat.." 

The boy with the beach style clothing came up to her ...

He had a  frizzled hair of light brown color..he smirked up to her and took her foot...

Scared of the strange person she asked out to him..

" Who are you ???..did..did...did you...are you the one who saved me ..." 

A nod answered that it was him..

" What's your name ? " he asked.

" Mi ho.." 

" Mi ho " he repeated 

" Hello Mi Ho ... I'm Han " 

" Han ? " ..she asked out of utter confusion..

" Han river "...

" Han river ??? " thinking the person was a maniac Mi ho silently decided to escape the moment she recovered. she found a sudden fondness to her life which she gave up on...

" AAAAHHHHH" she screamed out in pain.

he stood up with a sly smile in his face

HAN : " why did you even bother to jump from up there....don't tell me you thought dying was simple..." 

MI HO :  Isn't it ...rather than living in hell id prefer to end it all together...

HAN : As expected you are a fool...

out of anger towards the strange person who thinks he's always right she stood up to defend her self...

MI HO : what do you know about life ??...your..your just some mad maniac hoping around the river...

She stomped her foot to make it more dramatic...she didn't know how to reply and imitated all those girly actresses in movies. sudden realization crept upon her ... 

MI HO : My leg .. its alright ...

It took her a while to realize he was helping her out although his mouth was ironic...

MI HO : ( hesitantly) thank you ...

HAN : Save it..you think i'm a mad man..

MI HO : aren't you ???

HAN : i openly despise such creatures like you..how many time do i have to say it .. i'm HAN ...HAN THE RIVER ..

MI HO : your a river , yet why do you look like a beach to me ???

In  utter horror Han responded 

HAN : beach ?? that's the biggest insult I've ever heard...what to do even mean????

MI HO : your right...i would be insulting the beach...

HAN : You...

disrupting his sentence she said 

MI HO : well you cant complain..you have frizzed hair which look like you haven't bathed for days moreover ... every single thing about  you..even your words seem too much beach like to me .

HAN : You insolent fool..you can merely speak these words because of me..you don't seem to realize who your talking to...

out of anger a large sphere of water surrounded Mi Ho .. with a snap of his hand it fell upon her making wet...

Mi Ho : By any chance , is this some special episode of Takeshi's castle ??? ...

HAN : what's that ??

MI HO : what are you ??...a crazy magician...i don't think i'm in the right place..i never should've thought of jumping from there.. i'm going back...

HAN : go back all you want...but you'll never be able to escape from me ...i'm telling you..you will come back..asking for me..ill give you a tip - i don't stay anywhere for more than 2 days starting from now...

with that he vanished into the water...

she stood there in shock watching him disappear into the water... turning back to walk across she thought to herself..

" No matter how much i think..He still looks like a beach...i think i'm dreaming .. "